hahahahah, i just read my last post about Alex.
yes,
we are still together.
and yes,
i did finally get attatched.
very attatched.
anyways,
for some stupid reason, I always fall for the seniors that end up leaving me.
even though he's extremely different.
he's nice to me, and kind and he rarely ever disappoints. and i keep thinking that it's just an act that he's gunna get tired off. that i "expect" too much.
but i remember this one time in religion class,
when my teacher taught us that relationships are never fifty-fifty but they shift all the time over time.
anyways, were shifting all the time.
half the time were good, and the other half were not.
actually thats an exaggeration. were good as long as we see each other or talk to each other. and most of the time, it's my fault when things go wrong, because i'm slowly realizing that i'm the world's worst girlfriend and possibly mental. haha joke(; but not really.
For once in my life, i'm attatched to one person only.
i mean, unless there's a really attractive person around me, and i mean really attractive, he's all i see.
which is good, and i want to believe that i'm the only girl he sees, since that's what he tells me.
and he hasn't given me any reason to not trust him, if anything he's been doing nothing but earning major brownie points as we go along.
but maybe it's because i like him so much that i'm just so afraid.
ya know?
26 December, 2010
07 August, 2010
I'M IN SUCH A BAD MOOD
i'm not even angry like violent, which i usually get but like a depressed angry.
a kind that sort of just bubbles inside and no matter what happens i enjoy staying like that, i fucking thrive off it. i just wanna talk about it but i don't wanna bring it up. its like i hate him when he's off his game ball so does that mean that i don't know him at all? whatever, its been like four days and i'm not even attatched. ugh and i'm afraid about the just friends vibe. but still. we ARE perfect for each other and yet i'm just not feeling that kind of spark. but it's probably because i can't let go of the stupid fucking idiot "prince charming" my ass.
so back to why am i upset.
oh because i try to get his friends to like me and they don't.
because i don't know.
i don't feel like talking.
maybe i'm just more lagging than talking and idk i used to LOVE falling asleep angry.
best naps of my life.
back when i was with max.
but this is alex.
and things are supposed to be different, like wtf, i don't want to be mad i just can't figure it out.
i really just don't feel like talking even though i know i want to.
and seriously, fuck frankenstein.
i'll do it another time.
if alex goes to sleep instead of talking to me though i'm gunna be SO FUCKING PISSED.
a kind that sort of just bubbles inside and no matter what happens i enjoy staying like that, i fucking thrive off it. i just wanna talk about it but i don't wanna bring it up. its like i hate him when he's off his game ball so does that mean that i don't know him at all? whatever, its been like four days and i'm not even attatched. ugh and i'm afraid about the just friends vibe. but still. we ARE perfect for each other and yet i'm just not feeling that kind of spark. but it's probably because i can't let go of the stupid fucking idiot "prince charming" my ass.
so back to why am i upset.
oh because i try to get his friends to like me and they don't.
because i don't know.
i don't feel like talking.
maybe i'm just more lagging than talking and idk i used to LOVE falling asleep angry.
best naps of my life.
back when i was with max.
but this is alex.
and things are supposed to be different, like wtf, i don't want to be mad i just can't figure it out.
i really just don't feel like talking even though i know i want to.
and seriously, fuck frankenstein.
i'll do it another time.
if alex goes to sleep instead of talking to me though i'm gunna be SO FUCKING PISSED.
28 May, 2010
In the Land of the Coop.
Once upon a time..
there was this princess, right? At least, people treated her like that. Everyone except for her Prince. Now, to say the least he was no oridnary prince, and it seemed like although physically they didn't seem compatible, emotionally they were. And that was just enough for the princess. Little by little as their time in the castle progressed, she would notice things that made him seem less and less like a princess and more like a duke. Eventually as the castle would deteriorate more over time, because of erosion i suppose, the duke became just another peasant in her life. But as much as she loved the peasant, her clothes would dirty every time that he did something wrong to her. so eventually she looked down at her soiled clothes and decided that maybe it was best to bring this up with the peasant. when she did, in attempts to save herself of these soiled clothing items, all he did was rip and tear at them, leaving her with absolutely nothing. so she cried to all of her fellow naked royalties until she was happy again. and she starting sewing new clothes for herself. But low and behold, the peasant came back, regretting his behavior. uncertain of whether making the correct decision or not she went back to the castle in her newest and best clothes yet. Now, why did she make such a stupid decision? Ah dear children, this answer is: love. Whether she fully does love him or not is up to the princess but she knows what she feels and no one will be there for her more than herself. Or so she wanted to believe.
she was a smart girl, till she fell in love.
there was this princess, right? At least, people treated her like that. Everyone except for her Prince. Now, to say the least he was no oridnary prince, and it seemed like although physically they didn't seem compatible, emotionally they were. And that was just enough for the princess. Little by little as their time in the castle progressed, she would notice things that made him seem less and less like a princess and more like a duke. Eventually as the castle would deteriorate more over time, because of erosion i suppose, the duke became just another peasant in her life. But as much as she loved the peasant, her clothes would dirty every time that he did something wrong to her. so eventually she looked down at her soiled clothes and decided that maybe it was best to bring this up with the peasant. when she did, in attempts to save herself of these soiled clothing items, all he did was rip and tear at them, leaving her with absolutely nothing. so she cried to all of her fellow naked royalties until she was happy again. and she starting sewing new clothes for herself. But low and behold, the peasant came back, regretting his behavior. uncertain of whether making the correct decision or not she went back to the castle in her newest and best clothes yet. Now, why did she make such a stupid decision? Ah dear children, this answer is: love. Whether she fully does love him or not is up to the princess but she knows what she feels and no one will be there for her more than herself. Or so she wanted to believe.
she was a smart girl, till she fell in love.
09 March, 2010
pathetic.
There's a lot of things going on in my life so far. It's actually never been so out of hand before but, i guess thats what high school does. I realized that i wanted to vent to someone and yet i don't want to bother anyone. Or maybe i'm just much too lazy and my phone is too slow to work.
Here's my insecurites oh, web world:
Lately it's safe to say i haven't exactly been trying my best in school. To say the very least i have been slacking off to the point of where i'm struggling to get a D in a certain class. I consider myself blessed if i'm lucky enough to remain at Gibbons and frankly, i feel like i'm taking advantage of my mother because i strategized my way of my punishment. I know that i can't deal with one but i feel as though the injustice just makes me nauseated with disgust. For myself. I also tend to have this reoccurence where i cannot seem to manage to keep a male figure around for more than two and a half weeks. Partly because i didn't do well and i cannot bring my grades up in time, therefor i cannot spend time with him. It really isn't fair to my boyfriend that i have kept for an astounding 10 days, longer than my best friend and his girlfriend i might add, but we cannot see each other over the weekends. Part of me feels horrible, and the other part is feeling horribly afraid. I still cannot decide whether i do like him or if it's simply just a need for attention. I do know that my revolting self esteem would only be shot down that much more if he were to break up with me however i would feel absolutely nothing if i did something like that to him. I know it is a Sin to trash yourself but, i don't really deserve any kind of praise. In fact, i seem to be working in cycles since 8th grade where i HATE the person that i am. Not only do i constantly lower myself because i don't have superior looks, but i've become somekind of shallow and superficial clone that needs to get a good smack across the face. As much as i regret wanting one, i desperately need one. However this time, it would be nice to choose the person that delivers it to me.
Here's my insecurites oh, web world:
Lately it's safe to say i haven't exactly been trying my best in school. To say the very least i have been slacking off to the point of where i'm struggling to get a D in a certain class. I consider myself blessed if i'm lucky enough to remain at Gibbons and frankly, i feel like i'm taking advantage of my mother because i strategized my way of my punishment. I know that i can't deal with one but i feel as though the injustice just makes me nauseated with disgust. For myself. I also tend to have this reoccurence where i cannot seem to manage to keep a male figure around for more than two and a half weeks. Partly because i didn't do well and i cannot bring my grades up in time, therefor i cannot spend time with him. It really isn't fair to my boyfriend that i have kept for an astounding 10 days, longer than my best friend and his girlfriend i might add, but we cannot see each other over the weekends. Part of me feels horrible, and the other part is feeling horribly afraid. I still cannot decide whether i do like him or if it's simply just a need for attention. I do know that my revolting self esteem would only be shot down that much more if he were to break up with me however i would feel absolutely nothing if i did something like that to him. I know it is a Sin to trash yourself but, i don't really deserve any kind of praise. In fact, i seem to be working in cycles since 8th grade where i HATE the person that i am. Not only do i constantly lower myself because i don't have superior looks, but i've become somekind of shallow and superficial clone that needs to get a good smack across the face. As much as i regret wanting one, i desperately need one. However this time, it would be nice to choose the person that delivers it to me.
07 January, 2010
Cancerous.
So grandma has cancer.
I've been trying to explain how positive-ness can help reduce this disease in her body. But its much more difficult to explain it in English that the images that pass through my mind.
I can't simply learn to pretend its not there.
In my world there's no such thing.
You either deal with it, or forget about it.
But faking it?
To your family and friends, you push all those tears into a yellow jar.
Now, the most difficult thing ever would be to release the cap of this jar and show everyone how afraid you truly are.
And I'm not here to make you afraid.
I'm here to help you.
It's not bologna.
It is for real. The cancer is there, and it has spread. Your doctors are caring for you but honestly, is your family?
Do they even care that much?
Do I?
Sometimes, you have to do what right.
When I lost my uncle, I was so mad at myself for not having feelings.
After all, I didn't know him that well, but I knew he was the best.
It's the same situation with my grandmother.
I've often asked myself multiple times, what would happen if I were to know what would be the outcome of Uncle Fernando's situation.
And,
I've just had an epiphany.
I know the antidote.
And I have a firm grasp of the issue at hand.
Sometimes,
it takes the little things like
fear,
rejection,
and selfishness.
To understand, what's your worth in this world.
She's going to be positive,
even for a moment.
And although I will have to remind myself that this isn't because it is my time to shine in front of a family whom I wish could hate me more,
It's because I'm going to save her life.
This is what's going to happen,
I'm going to throw her a party.
Not a "Oh My G*D! Lets get drunk"
in fact,
it is a lets celebrate that she has life.
I'm going to hang Jesus up in the room, HE will be there. Whether she choses to acknowledge him or not, I want him present for when she is happy. So that he can know that her life is one worth saving.
I will ask the entire family to pray everynight,
whether they are or are not into the prayer industry,
It doesn't matter.
It cannot possibly hurt them to save her life than it will when hers is gone.
My plan is in motion.
I'm going to save her life.
I've been trying to explain how positive-ness can help reduce this disease in her body. But its much more difficult to explain it in English that the images that pass through my mind.
I can't simply learn to pretend its not there.
In my world there's no such thing.
You either deal with it, or forget about it.
But faking it?
To your family and friends, you push all those tears into a yellow jar.
Now, the most difficult thing ever would be to release the cap of this jar and show everyone how afraid you truly are.
And I'm not here to make you afraid.
I'm here to help you.
It's not bologna.
It is for real. The cancer is there, and it has spread. Your doctors are caring for you but honestly, is your family?
Do they even care that much?
Do I?
Sometimes, you have to do what right.
When I lost my uncle, I was so mad at myself for not having feelings.
After all, I didn't know him that well, but I knew he was the best.
It's the same situation with my grandmother.
I've often asked myself multiple times, what would happen if I were to know what would be the outcome of Uncle Fernando's situation.
And,
I've just had an epiphany.
I know the antidote.
And I have a firm grasp of the issue at hand.
Sometimes,
it takes the little things like
fear,
rejection,
and selfishness.
To understand, what's your worth in this world.
She's going to be positive,
even for a moment.
And although I will have to remind myself that this isn't because it is my time to shine in front of a family whom I wish could hate me more,
It's because I'm going to save her life.
This is what's going to happen,
I'm going to throw her a party.
Not a "Oh My G*D! Lets get drunk"
in fact,
it is a lets celebrate that she has life.
I'm going to hang Jesus up in the room, HE will be there. Whether she choses to acknowledge him or not, I want him present for when she is happy. So that he can know that her life is one worth saving.
I will ask the entire family to pray everynight,
whether they are or are not into the prayer industry,
It doesn't matter.
It cannot possibly hurt them to save her life than it will when hers is gone.
My plan is in motion.
I'm going to save her life.
01 January, 2010
eh.
sometimes my friends suck.
its even worse when i'm undecided. I actually REALLY need to get away from florida. it's bothering me so much here. i need an outbreak, and frankly my wanting to go to argentina with my best friend is the perfect getaway for my party, and yet she won't ask her parents.
i was really excited to go to...
:(
here's hoping.
13 December, 2009
Brian Fernando Bautista
Well it's happened.
The Miracle of Life.
The Fruit of Eve's Womb.
The Joy in the Abyss.
My little brother has been born.
I never thought to feel as I did, when I saw him.
Frankly, I was expecting something much grosser; with no hair, ugly skin, weird face.
But, it wasn't like that at all.
He had the most gorgeous blue eyes, a little tuft of hair on his head, and the cutest smile i've ever seen. I even had the nerve to touch him and when I did, he moved closer to my hand. It was the strangest thing. I was thrilled to realize that this little creature was inside of my step mother's stomach the whole time. Like, unwrapping a Christmas present and it turns out to be more than what you asked from Santa. I mean, he was crying a little when I arrived but, it was more like whining. I hope he doesn't always cry when I go near him. That'd really ruin my day, I get personal with certain things.
Well, waiting for 12 hours in a hospital all night was worth getting to meet the fella. According to my step mother, "It was all worth it once I heard him." I hope that happens to me one day, cause that would be terrible if I remembered all the labor pains. Oh, so i'll talk tomorrow because the little booger sucked out all my mid term exam studying time. Cya.
The Miracle of Life.
The Fruit of Eve's Womb.
The Joy in the Abyss.
My little brother has been born.
I never thought to feel as I did, when I saw him.
Frankly, I was expecting something much grosser; with no hair, ugly skin, weird face.
But, it wasn't like that at all.
He had the most gorgeous blue eyes, a little tuft of hair on his head, and the cutest smile i've ever seen. I even had the nerve to touch him and when I did, he moved closer to my hand. It was the strangest thing. I was thrilled to realize that this little creature was inside of my step mother's stomach the whole time. Like, unwrapping a Christmas present and it turns out to be more than what you asked from Santa. I mean, he was crying a little when I arrived but, it was more like whining. I hope he doesn't always cry when I go near him. That'd really ruin my day, I get personal with certain things.
Well, waiting for 12 hours in a hospital all night was worth getting to meet the fella. According to my step mother, "It was all worth it once I heard him." I hope that happens to me one day, cause that would be terrible if I remembered all the labor pains. Oh, so i'll talk tomorrow because the little booger sucked out all my mid term exam studying time. Cya.
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