pathetic.

There's a lot of things going on in my life so far. It's actually never been so out of hand before but, i guess thats what high school does. I realized that i wanted to vent to someone and yet i don't want to bother anyone. Or maybe i'm just much too lazy and my phone is too slow to work.

Here's my insecurites oh, web world:
Lately it's safe to say i haven't exactly been trying my best in school. To say the very least i have been slacking off to the point of where i'm struggling to get a D in a certain class. I consider myself blessed if i'm lucky enough to remain at Gibbons and frankly, i feel like i'm taking advantage of my mother because i strategized my way of my punishment. I know that i can't deal with one but i feel as though the injustice just makes me nauseated with disgust. For myself. I also tend to have this reoccurence where i cannot seem to manage to keep a male figure around for more than two and a half weeks. Partly because i didn't do well and i cannot bring my grades up in time, therefor i cannot spend time with him. It really isn't fair to my boyfriend that i have kept for an astounding 10 days, longer than my best friend and his girlfriend i might add, but we cannot see each other over the weekends. Part of me feels horrible, and the other part is feeling horribly afraid. I still cannot decide whether i do like him or if it's simply just a need for attention. I do know that my revolting self esteem would only be shot down that much more if he were to break up with me however i would feel absolutely nothing if i did something like that to him. I know it is a Sin to trash yourself but, i don't really deserve any kind of praise. In fact, i seem to be working in cycles since 8th grade where i HATE the person that i am. Not only do i constantly lower myself because i don't have superior looks, but i've become somekind of shallow and superficial clone that needs to get a good smack across the face. As much as i regret wanting one, i desperately need one. However this time, it would be nice to choose the person that delivers it to me.